i.am.going.insane.

have i mentioned i hate weaning? oh, and teething? well if i haven't, let me say it now:

I HATE WEANING AND TEETHING!!!!!!!!!!!

apart from the fact that my nipples are essentially falling off, lily isn't taking to the whole weaning business. i never realized how often she breastfed at night, mostly because we sleep together and neither of us wake up at night when she eats. now that we're switching to a bottle, however, i've realized that she eats every hour. wait, let me rephrase that. last night, she woke up EVERY HOUR screaming because she just wanted to have a little suck and go back to sleep. oy. i feel like i'm right back at the beginning when we first brought her home. very frustrating.

but there were a few times last night (as there are every night) when i watch her fall asleep or go and wake her up that i realize how great she is and how happy i am.

i hope i'm a good mom. i get choked up writing that because it's so incredibly important to me. there are moments when i doubt myself; those hours in the middle of the night when i'm all alone with the baby and she's crying her eyes out and there's nothing i can do about it. i think, "can i do this? should i be doing this? who's the crackhead who allowed me to have a child?"

but then there are the moments when i wow myself. i'm proud that i can pinpoint the exact moment when her fake cry becomes real. i love that when she's particularly pissed at me she yells, "DITH!" (i think it may mean bitch and she just doesn't realize it yet). i give myself a pat on the back when i finish my assignments days before they're due.

i fear weaning. i fear having the baby learn to sleep in the crib by herself. i fear being expendable.

oh my god, i think i just understood the whole "parenthood" thing.

for the past 8 months, i've been her survival. i'm food, i'm warmth, i'm comfort. but not anymore. i've been replaced by powdered milk and plastic nipples and blankets and a mobile.

i know i'm being horribly overdramatic, but i feel like i've lost an arm or something. she's learning how to crawl and can pull herself to her feet in the crib. other people can change diapers and give her baths and make her laugh. i have this unspoken fear that as soon as she's completely weaned, someone is going to pop up and take her away. you know, like, "well now she doesn't need you anymore. thanks for the boob, lady - your work here is through. move along."

and then there's another part of me that's thinking about the future. all of a sudden raising a child is tangible. i'm thinking about putting her on a school bus and making lunches and teaching her about sex (i don't know why that always pops into my mind - i'm a cautionary tale, i suppose). all that scares me almost as much as someone taking her away. okay, that's not true at all - i think i'd die if i didn't have her.

alrighty - time for night #2 of our "week of weaning extravaganza!" shoot me now.

(don't really shoot me now. in 10 years i'll be saying, "i wish she was still at that age!" shoot me then.)