oh momma knows...

... i always used to say that but now it has such deeper meaning. anyhoo!

we had a rough night last night, me and the kid. i'm pretty sure she's getting another tooth and all she wants to do is chew on my boob. i am SO, well, torn up - there's no other way to put it. when we first went to bed at about 12:30 they didn't really hurt. cut to 4:30am, lily wakes up wanting to eat/chew on something. she latches on - OH MY GOD. it felt like someone was literally slicing my nipple off with a jagged knife. i tried the other side - just as bad! she proceeded to cry for about an hour. i knew she wasn't hungry, just in pain and frustrated, as was i. i gave her some baby oragel which eventually calmed her down (thank jesus). we fell asleep again until i woke up at about 9 after having the WORST dream EVER.

ok so i dreamt that john and i were giving lily up for adoption - but instead of just getting rid of her, we were switching her for this other lady's baby who was 4 months younger than lil. someone was going to take care of this strange baby for 4 months (like she was on lay-away??) until she was lily's age now, at which time john and i would then take her as our own. in the dream, we signed the papers and had 24 hours to sit and wait in case we changed our mind. so i'm sitting there watching lily roll around and smile - and i started to get upset. i pull john into the bathroom (?) and question what we had just done. he agreed that it was a bad idea - not the giving lily up, but taking this other baby! i remember exactly what he said - i said, "i think we just made a big mistake" and he said, "yeah, we totally flatlined it" (whatever the hell that means). he went on to say, "if we want to get rid of her, why the hell would we take another one?" AHHHH!! it was horrible! i woke up suddenly, waking the baby as well. she started crying again - and so did i! i was crying HYSTERICALLY - rocking her back and forth saying, "i'm so sorry - you know i want you." she was freaked out and in pain and hungry. what a nightmare. literally.

so i got up and made her a bottle, which she refused to eat for the next hour or so. we drifted in and out of sleep until john called at 11:30. i started crying again with him, which he always loves, and then just decided to get up.

okay.... crying baby.... i'll continue later....