thought i'd throw some gilmore girls at ya'.
so tonight, the kid took THREE steps all by herself! oh, and she's turning ONE this saturday!!! can i tell you how old i feel? in keeping with the gilmore girls theme, i think i'm going to wake her up at 6:17 on sat. and tell her the story of her birth. it is as follows:
WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG STORY AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION (and a lot of free time)
on thursday, january 27, afternoon, i visited my obstetrician and maternal fetal medicine specialist (hooray blood disorder). the first told me that i should pop at any time and to help me out, the doctor stuck his finger up my cooch and poked your little sac (INCREDIBLY uncomfortable feeling for me - i can't imagine how you felt). the specialist said that if you didn't come out by monday night, they were going to induce labor. both doctors recommended lots of sex over the weekend to get things moving (i am not kidding)(john was quite pleased). that night, i was hanging out with daddy at the hotel (for reference, john's house caught fire and they lived in a hotel for six months). i started to feel uncomfortable, almost like slight indigestion, at about 7:30 pm, but thought nothing of it, since you had been giving me unbelievable gas for the past five months. when we left to drop me off at home, i told nana and grandpa, "he may be getting a call tonight!" i told daddy the same thing as he dropped me off, and he laughed. silly silly man.
as i sat watching tv with aunt kate and uncle tim, the discomfort grew, not unbearably, just more uncomfortably. kate said she thought i was in labor, but i wasn't sure. everyone went to bed and by 11:30 pm, i was in my pj's and playing computer games. during my ninth month, you had put me in a wacko sleep schedule. i would stay up until 4 or 5 am and sleep until 2 or 3 pm. i guess you were getting me prepared for your first eight or nine months... can't say you didn't warn me, right?
so i'm on the computer and the discomfort is growing, still not to the unbearable point. i kept having the feeling that i had to poop, so i was running back and forth to the bathroom. in the back of my mind i remembered reading an article saying that during the early stages of labor, the normal woman's body instinctually cleans itself out in preparation of delivery.
although the pain wasn't crazy yet, i knew you were coming. i didn't want to go the hospital yet - because i was considered a "high-risk" pregnancy, i was afraid that they'd want to do a c-section if you were taking too long, so i waited until the last minute to call daddy and the doctor.
i started timing contractions at about 12:30 am. they were about 7 or 8 minutes apart. at about 2:00 am, i stood up to pee again and WHAMMO! i fell to my knees in unbelievable pain. have you ever had a charlie horse? well imagine it over your entire body and ten times as painful. i felt a ton of pressure in my pelvic area, and i could tell you were ready to come out. it took me about 35 minutes to get from the computer room upstairs to aunt kate (the nurse's) room downstairs. i had a pad of paper and my cell phone, writing down the duration and time between contractions. it went from 8, to 7, to THREE, suddenly. it's kind of funny to look at the paper now, because my writing is all calm at the top and as you move down the page, it gets messier and messier until each number takes up two or three spaces and is almost unintelligible. i pushed kate's door open and said quietly, "umm kate? i think i'm in labor." she got up right away and grandma heard us and came running down.
i called daddy and said, "get over here right now she's coming." he said sleepily, "are you sure?" i said, "GET OVER RIGHT NOW!" and hung up on him. i then called the doctor, who was asleep, and was told to go to the hospital. i threw on my trusty velour maternity pants and a ratty sweater between contractions, and waddled to the car as soon as daddy rolled up. as he came up to the front door to help me, his face was all flushed and he had a big grin on his face - i could tell he was excited. he threw my pre-packed bag into the trunk and quickly drove to the hospital.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: the rest of the experience is kind of sketchy. i was pretty out of it b/c i hadn't slept since the day before and was in a LOT of pain. much of the information is second-hand from daddy.
on the way to the hospital, daddy tried to make me laugh like he did at our lamaze class. i would have none of it, however. i told him to shut up. i asked him to put on the radio and after two seconds, screamed at him to shut it off. when he asked how i was feeling, i said, "please don't talk to me. drive. carefully." we arrived at the hospital and he dropped me off and went to park the car. there were a few nurses on their cigarette break and one helped me into a wheelchair. my eyes were closed for most of this because it seemed to help the pain (weird...), but i somehow blurted out, "i'm in labor. the baby's coming NOW." she wheeled me up to the sixth floor, where the nurses calmly asked if i was sure i was in labor. at this point i looked up, sweat on my brow, legs sprawled apart, and said, "my contractions are two minutes apart. if i'm not in labor, something is wrong."
okay, that's a lie. that's what rational regina was thinking. instead, when they asked if i was SURE i was in labor, i looked up, sweat on my brow, legs sprawled apart, and said, "YES. I NEED DRUGS NOW. PLEASE." and put my head back into my hands. i was brought into my personal birthing room and was given a gown to put on. again, i was out of it, but it felt like it took 15-20 minutes to get this thing on. and by now i wanted to push SO BADLY, but was afraid to pee or sit on the toilet b/c i had this bizarro image of sitting down, peeing, and you splashing into the toilet water. but i digress.
i finally get the gown on (cotton, thank god) and they lay me on the bed. daddy is nowhere to be seen. apparantly they sent him to admit me, but all i wanted was for him to be there. because we weren't married, they wouldn't let him in until i had signed the paperwork and had gotten settled in. as the nurses got me all set up, i had no one to help with contractions, so i did it myself. when one would come on, i would lay completely still. during a contraction, which is basically a muscle spasm, your body wants to curl up and flex your muscles. this is where the pain comes in. if you lay completely still, the pain passes more easily. so as i feel one coming on, i lay still and say, out loud mind you, "it's okay. it's okay. be calm. stay still. it will pass. calm. calm. calm." and so on and so forth. i was totally in the zone while doing this and only felt like a freak after it had passed. the scene in the room was like this: i would feel a contraction coming on and go through my routine as the nurses scurried around me. after it had passed, i would open my eyes a crack and say over and over, "i'm so sorry. i'm normally not this crazy. i'm so sorry." then i'd say, "please, i need drugs, please! i'm so sorry. i'm in so much pain. drugs, PLEASE, GOD!!! i'm so sorry" over and over...
i signed a ridiculous amount of paperwork, all of which i cannot remember, because i was in f'n LABOR at the time. my signature was all messy and junk. it was funny. anyway, daddy finally appeared, who knows when, and witnessed my contraction shpeal (sp?) - he was TOTALLY freaked out, which is understandable. he would try to hold my hand, but i'd go, "LET GO OF ME! calm, regina. calm. it will pass. just stay still, regina." the nurses were impressed by me and kept telling me and daddy that i had incredible control and we should be proud, but daddy was freaked out and i was about to push a watermelon through a drinking straw, so neither of us were particularly proud. he did feed me ice chips, which was sweet. i later felt bad for not letting him help, but c'mon. i'm the one doing all the work and whatever helped me get through it was the way it was gonna be.
the anesthesiologist FINALLY showed up at about 4:30 am. or something like that. i don't really remember. daddy had to leave the room while they did the epidural, which sucked. i sat up in the bed, my legs hanging over one side, with a pillow rolled up under my belly. the anes. sat on the other side of the bed and did his thang (stuck a giant needle into my lower spine and thread a tube through to a particular spot). they started the epidural and let daddy back in. the change was almost instant. i could open my eyes and laugh and joke. i could still feel the contractions, but they were MUCH less than before.
alas, that of course could not last. after 15 minutes of "bliss," my right side felt painful again. my upper thigh, butt cheek, and lower pelic area BURNED with every contraction. the nurse suggested i lay on my right side so the medicine could drip down, but it didn't work. i asked for the anes. and he told us that sometimes the medicine doesn't work in certain areas. in some women, it doesn't work AT ALL. thank god at least my left side was okay.
they checked my cervix at about 4 am and i was 4 centimeters dilated, which i could NOT believe. i thought you were half out, judging from the amount of pain i felt. after my doctor finally decided to show up at 5:15 (at the idea of his wife, who thought he should go in sooner than later)(thanks, doctor's wife). he checked my cervix at 5:30 and lo and behold - i was 10 centimeters! i dilated 6 cent. in one hour - when they found that out, all the nurses were like, "oh wow that really must have been painful." uh. yes.
the doctor said that i was ready to push and he left to get ready. all the nurses were shocked because they thought you wouldn't come for another few hours. the shifts changed at 8 and all the night nurses kept saying, "well we won't be here when she's born." so much they knew.
a little after 6 am, i started to push. my butt was at the end of the table and my legs were up in those scary-looking stir-up things. you'd think i'd be embarassed with my cooch open for a doctor, and anesthesiologist, and about five nurses to see, but oddly enough i didn't care at all. i wanted you OUT (no offense) and you wanted to come out. to be honest, i was more occupied at this point with the fear of pooping that the pain kind of came second. they figured out that my right side hurt so badly because you were at an angle pushing your way out. your whole body and feet were lodged against my right side (we could see you kick through my belly).
daddy got his camera ready as i pushed. i didn't want the giant mirror allowing me to watch the whole thing; i wanted daddy to experience that for himself. that was his special part about your birth - he got to watch it all happen. i looked at his face after every push, watching his reactions. he had that big grin on his face and kept saying, "oh my god" and "she's coming!"
pushing felt SO good - such a relief! i hate to be graphic, but you know when you reeeealy have to poop, and after you do you feel this amazing sense of calm? well that's kind of like giving birth. only not nearly as painful. i hope. if it is, you need to seek medical attention.
in less than 15 minutes, your head popped out. daddy smiled as he stared at you and said, "oh my god, regina, you're doing it. she's really here." with one more big push, you were out! as the doctor held you up, i burst into tears and said, "oh my god, oh my god" over and over. you were all bloody, mainly because they had cut me to get you out more quickly (i had NO idea - i didn't feel a thing)(daddy later said that them cutting me was the most disgusting part of the whole process). i could see that you had some dark, curly hair, and you were wiggling around, screaming your brains out. i wanted to hold you and kiss you and squeeze you so badly.
daddy cut your umbilical cord.
i reached out to take you, but they wanted to warm you up because your blood pressure had been dropping (hence them wanting to get you out). i got a hold of you somehow and pulled you to me, but they convinced me they needed to clean you up, so i let you go. daddy and i hugged and kissed and said "i love you" and "oh my god" and "i can't believe this" a bunch of times before he went over to get pictures of them cleaning you off.
i glanced down and saw the doctor doing something between my legs and i asked what. in all the confusion, i had "passed the placenta," which i didn't feel at all, and he was sewing me up (sidenote: he said he made me a bit "tighter," which i didn't get in my post-pushing haze).
after they had you all cleaned up
, they took your official footprints. daddy took off his sweatshirt and they put your little feet on his undershirt, right over his heart. he still has that shirt in his closet and still hasn't washed it!
they wrapped you up like a little burrito
and daddy got to hold you - but just for a minute because i called dibs first. they put me in a sitting position and handed you to me. i'm choking up right now remembering that moment because i don't think i've ever been so proud or happy in my life.
no matter what i do in my life, i'll never top this moment. i made a person. i was holding a human being that lived inside of my body. i was responsible for another living thing, not quite on par with the goldfish i had as a child. i breastfed you for the first time, which was incredible. you latched on right away. we managed to pull you off so we could take a few pictures, and then i let daddy hold you.
he was in complete awe. his face was flushed and even though we were both exhausted, his eyes were shining. he was so happy.
after about 20 minutes, they took you down to the nursery to give you a real bath and daddy went to supervise. to hell with me! his little girl needed an escort. i understood, though, and the nurses made me comfortable as i watched tv and tried to sleep.
the sun rose right after you popped out and my room was overlooking the ocean. it was such a beautiful sight - daddy took a picture of it.
everything from then on was a whirlwind. lots of visitors and LOTS of blood and tears that first night, but i won't get into that...
so now you know the story of your birth. i may have left things out here and there, but you get the idea.
i am incredibly proud to be your mommy, little one. i often miss my independence, being able to go wherever i want, sleep whenever i want and all that, but every time i pick you up and you nuzzle into my shoulder, those thoughts melt into the back of my mind. i will never be a failure because i have you. i gave up everything to be your mommy and it was the best decision i have ever made.
if anyone actually made it through this whole thing, you deserve a medal.
oh, and get a life.
:)
january 2005
december 2005
