Baby Momma Memoirs

perfect? ah, no...

2008-01-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

i would like to clarify my use of "just perfect" at the end of my last post. our game of preschool chutes and ladders while drinking wine was perfect.

my marriage? um, not so much.

nor is any marriage, let's not kid ourselves. as much as i wanted to believe that my parents' relationship was perfect and the thing to strive for, as i got older that pristine image quickly deteriorated. when i entered high school and truly pushed away from my parents', well, everything (beliefs, expectations, priorities, etc.), i came to see them more as flawed human beings rather than perfected symbols of what i should be.

i realized the severe passive-aggression of my mother (which i see in myself far too often) and the true progression of their decision-making (MOM wears the pants and dad assumes her position and projects it to the family, which makes HIM look like the bad guy or the hard-ass when all along he's simply supporting my mother's positions). i witnessed my mother crying hysterically on the phone as my brother told her he would be getting married in the baptist church, not catholic. i heard distinctly her unequivocal response: "well, i'm sorry, we just can't go". i read the long and detailed letter written by my FATHER to justify "their" dramatic decision - chock full of scripture passages.

ever since then i've seen them as humans, and have been horrified with myself when i occasionally slip into their m.o.

in a way i feel terrible for rejecting so strongly their deep principles and essentially the way they function as a couple. however, now that i am married i see that there are things you must do and habits you must fall into to make your marriage function. with john and i, our alone time away from each other is one way we maintain equilibrium.

as we continue to grow, both as individuals and a married team, i notice more and more adaptations. we're having a bit of drama with the kid's 3rd b-day party (another post for another day...) and i'm finding myself standing up for the way WE will now do things. because WE are now a family in and of ourselves. it is no longer about how our parents raised us, but how we will raise our daughter in our OWN way.

is my marriage perfect? HELL-to-the-NO, as whitney so eloquently puts it. john and i just had an argument last weekend about the fact that he wants to buy a huge suv/truck when his jeep dies. i say it's silly - he is not a construction worker or a mover or a lumberjack, so why does he need a massive truck? he said it won't matter what i say, he's a grown man and he'll do what he wants (half joking/half completely serious), which promptly pissed me the hell off. what a douche! so, i went to tj maxx for some retail therapy, which helped. then, as we were going to sleep he slapped that ridiculously adorable smirk on his face and said he was sorry and snuggled into me like a cat.

granted, my anger disappeared after i bought a few shirts ($5 for an adorable silk shirt that i just had to sew one hole on! $5, y'all!!), but that form of an apology made it all better. another thing i'm growing to realize is that john needs manly moments every once-in-a-while. he needs to kill some spiders, chase away squirrels, build stuff and assert his innate male dominance.

at the end of the day, though, he snuggles into me like a cat and i know that he just wants to take care of me.

don't tell him i told you, though. kitties and caring are SO not manly...

when babies have babies...

2007-12-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

it's truly incredible that john and i can turn literally anything into a heated competition. allow me to elaborate...

lil received the lovely game of "chutes and ladders - preschool edition" for xmas. after dinner last night we decided to have a family game night and whipped out the new game.

the first time i landed on a ladder, i heard a faint "damn" muttered under john's breath. i decided to ignore this.

however, the first chute i came across bumped me far down on the board. my wonderful husband stuck his finger in my face, laughed and said, "ohhhhh snap!" (ps - we're the whitest people you'll ever meet...). i responded with a decided, "oh, it's on!"

what followed now ashames me as a grown woman and mother. our poor child watched powerless as her parents were sucked into a competition like no other, battling toward victory. we passed the spinner heatedly back and forth (i think we may have skipped lil's turn a few times...) and had one or two intense arguments about whether one of us cheated on the number of spaces moved. our almost-three-year-old child's head snapped between her parents throughout the smack-talk - at one point, she actually yelled, "hey! stop yelling! we just play the game!", and rolled her eyes.

i emerged victorious, if there was ever any doubt. i remain the "chutes and ladders - preschool edition" champion of our household.

john gave up after one game (sucker...) - lil and i played another (i totally let her win...). we then had some hot chocolate, and after a wild sugar rush (she did one of those manic run-in-a-circle while speaking in tongues) we brushed teeth, read a book, said our prayers, sang a song and went to sleep.

it's kind of refreshing that john and i haven't slipped into the trap of centering our interactions around the kid, as is seen so often. we take time for each other with something as simple as cuddling and watching the news before bed or splitting a bottle of wine over dinner, toasting to something with each glass. we also take time for ourselves as individuals - he loves doing his woodworking or hanging out in his "man cave" in the basement, and one or two days a week i stay up after he's goes to sleep to iron and watch my garbage reality shows.

it's a delicate balance that's not always easy, but it makes our relationship work. after putting lil to bed i spent the night doing laundry and watching tv in the bedroom while john watched the giants game and lounged in the living room. there was no particular reason for the separation, simply the fact that we know we don't have to spend every waking moment together. it's enough for us to drink some wine with dinner, sincerely compete with each other while playing a preschool board game with our daughter, and end the night cuddling while falling asleep.

just perfect.

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...

2007-12-28T11:07:00.000-05:00

as i sit here at my corporate desk job, bored out of my mind, i remember that a long long time ago i had a blog. granted, i rarely updated it, but it was fun to write.

so here i am. it's dec. 28th and there is NOTHING going on in my office. everyone's on vacation and i am bored. woe is me.

to update y'all, i no longer a slave of tar-gay. i am now a slave of Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage Long Island & Queens, indirectly a slave of Realogy Corp., and even more indirectly a slave of NRT LLC. we sell real estate - i am CBRB's trusty PR bitch. i schmooze the press, write releases and help with advertising, among many other things.

i started in july and it's been weird to work mon-fri 9-5. i was so used to crazy days and hours that my first weekend off i didn't know what to do with myself.

the babe's been going to "school" (read: day care) four days a week, which was at first difficult for me to swallow. she'll be 3 in a month from today (ACK!), but i can't help feeling like i'm neglecting her in a way. i read over my old posts and i absolutely still feel the sting of being a working mom. my mother was home to put us on the bus in the morning and home to take us off every afternoon. the world is different now, i realize that, but it hurts.

she's so happy at school, though. she's little miss social (and apparantly a BIG flirt with the boys...) and everyone loves her. she has a HUGE personality, is incredibly smart, has a great sense of humor and is truly becoming her own person.

perhaps that's what hurts... while she's nowhere near the point of no return, the ball is rolling - rolling away from me, that is. we open the door to her classroom and she's off and running. she always gives me a kiss goodbye (occassionally i have to chase after her to get one), but as soon as i close that door, her day has begun. her school day. for a large majority of her day-to-day life, i'm not there to influence her.

i guess that's a good thing. she's not insulated, she's exposed to kids of all ages and colors and personalities. she's also learning how to interact with adults and teenagers (teachers and aides). i went to see her holiday show and she saw me in the crowd, waved a few times, but ultimately did her thing. after her class finished, they sat to the side to watch the rest of the show. other kids in her class ran over to their parents, but she was content to sit next to her teacher and bop along to the music, occassionally glancing over to make sure i was still there.

this is my role now as a mom: to stand strong by her. it's just like when she learned to walk - i gently guided her, my finger grasped tightly in her little fist. i know she'll look to me along the way for reassurance and sometimes lean on me for support, but eventually she'll let go and walk on her own.

we have a ways to go before she assumes such independence, so for now i'll enjoy reading to her in silly voices, teaching her new words and watching her explore the world with the joy only a child can possess.

finally....

2006-11-29T22:59:00.000-05:00

alright, alright.... after much harassment i'll now share the proposal story.

oh yeah - JOHN AND I ARE ENGAGED!!!! finally, right?

anyhoo, john suggested that we meet in the city for dinner to celebrate my promotion and the house. i thought this was a bit suspicious b/c we've been saving money like whoa (does anyone still say that?)(it stays), but let's be honest here. i've been expecting a proposal for months anytime we've gone anywhere; mets games, st. john's games, just driving around, etc. john tells me to meet him at 5th and 33rd and we'd walk to the restaurant together, to which i suggested he just tell me where the restaurant was so i could meet him there; my train was coming in an hour before he got out of work. he was insistent that we meet at 5th and 33rd, so i finally acquiesced. being the jerk that i am, i asked, "well where's the restaurant?" he said he couldn't remember. "well, what's it called?" he said he couldn't remember. by the time i asked what kind of food it served he was supremely annoyed and just said, "it's italian. don't worry about it."

after walking around h&m for an hour (where i swear they were following me - my purse was bulging b/c i had brought my scarf and gloves and hat even though it was warm as hell that day)(stupid much?), i walked over to 5th and 33rd, where john was patiently waiting. he gave me a kiss, grabbed my hand, and turned the corner onto fifth, then quickly entered the building on whose corner we had just met. i was confused, especially when i realized it was the empire state building. for a split second i was like, "maybe the restaurant's in here?" but as soon as he guided me toward the observation deck entrance i knew what was up.

again, i'm a jerk, so i asked, "are we going up? why?" he said, "i've never been up there, i thought it would be a nice surprise," with that smirk on his face we all know and love (he is the WORST liar...). as we neared the escalator one of the latina workers (seriously, they were all hispanic with nasty attitudes) said something about tickets and john pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket - he had PRE-BOUGHT the tickets to the top and printed them out. when i saw this i said, still a jerk, "wait, you BOUGHT tickets already?" he smirked, sighed, and shook his head, while i removed my coat b/c i was sweating my ass off from anticipation.

after a convoluted trip up to the top, during which EACH AND EVERY ONE of the slick-haired, long-nailed empire state building employees warned us that there was "zero visibility, just so you know, you can't see anything from the top, nothing," we finally walked out onto the observation deck. it was pretty empty, save a few foreign tourist who didn't speak english and obviously bought the tickets far in advance, and man they were not kidding about the visibility. as we walked down the ramp to the deck, a cloud literally passed by my feet. sooooo cool.

oh yeah, i forgot that after we passed through security john said, "better get the camera ready," to which i asked, "what? you brought your camera? why?" {sigh}. let the boy have his surprise, jerk.

so we walked around attempting to take pictures of the bustling city below, and at first it wasn't so bad. it was pretty amazing, actually, looking down on the millions of lights and the thousands of cars, faintly hearing horns beeping, but generally in silence. it was so calm up there and we felt so alone, which john was thankful for.

after we walked almost completely around, john shut off his camera and put it in his pocket. with that smirk on his face he said, "now for the real reason we came here," and pulled the box from the inside pocket of his jacket. i was choked up and put my hand over my mouth - i felt so awkward, i didn't know what i should do at that moment. i mean, i had imagined it so many times, but when it actually happens you feel so out of it and nervous. the altitude and lack of oxygen to my brain probably played a role, as well.

anyway, he casually leans on the cement wall overlooking the city, now mostly covered in soft gray clouds, and says, "no speeches, that's not my style" (NOW who's the jerk...). still standing, he opens the box, looks right into my eyes and says, "regina linge, will you marry me?"

wait for it... wait for it......

i say....

"wait a second, aren't you going to get down on one knee?"

john: "are you serious??"

me: "uhhhh yeah."

john, sighing, quickly looks around then drops to one knee and says, "let's try this again. regina linge, will you marry me?"

then of course i squealed and grabbed him and said something along the lines of "yes, yes, yes, of course!" and cried and hugged him and kissed him. he reminded me about the ring, which i had barely noticed (to his relief)(yeah, he knows me well, huh). it's a little big, but that's my fault - i gave his sisters the wrong size (that's another story for another day).

so we descended back into reality, now engaged. we called each other "fiance", like they did on seinfeld, for a few days, which was fun. oh, and when we got back down to the street john says, "sooooo where do you wanna eat?" {sigh}. heartland brewery was right next door, so we settled down for some beers and greasy bar food. he said that his sisters would be horrified that he didn't take me somewhere "nice," but i think that night prefaced what will be a drastically different wedding from theirs'. i mean, their weddings were beautiful, but wayyyy more expensive and formal than ours will be, believe me.

so that's my story, finally. i'll be posting pictures of dresses, don't you worry, and updating y'all with wedding info. just a warning: we are severely low on funds, what with a house, student loans, and the babe, so we can't invite everyone and their mother. if you don't get invited please know that we love you but are sadly very VERY poor. just a disclaimer.

anyhoo, time for bed. tar-gay tomorrow morning. boo.

2006-11-29T12:07:00.000-05:00

i'd rather be sailing...

2006-11-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

i lie. i wouldn't rather be sailing. it's raining and cold. however, i quote the amazing song from "a new brain" because it has recently been added to my "songs sung to lily" rotation. she has become quite selective, actually - i usually have to begin two or three before she stops saying, "no. sing," as in, "no. sing something else, biotch." she's a mean baby.

in other news, i was recently promoted at target to head monkey. oops, i mean team lead of girls. sometimes i slip with my job title because monkeys could do my job. have i mentioned i have stellar self-respect? but seriously, kids. i'm, like, top retard (and i use "retard" in the most politically incorrect sense)(no, i will not apologize)/babysitter of all the hormonal 16-year-olds who "work" in softlines. {sigh}. i am excited for a raise and the power to write people up, though. if i can't be a super bitch at any given job, that job ain't for me.

which reminds me of a little anecdote. last fri. night i was acting team lead, as per uje, and one of the minors was chatting with three little skanks from his school. the executive pointed it out to me and said, "i'll let you take this one. you seem like you'd enjoy it." i walked over to them and stood there without saying anything while they slowly realized i was there. when they finally stopped talking i said, "so, are you guys interested in working at target?" one typically long island girl (you know the one, dark brown hair with bleached-blonde chunky highlights, airbrushed nails, serious ponch protruding from her too-tight sweater, chomping gum with a look on her face that's asking to be slapped off.... you know what i mean...) said, "ummm, no, i, like, have a job - my boss actually just gave me a promotion and a raise."

to this i responded, "wow, i'm really excited for you. in that case, miles, who does work here, needs to get back to work. you can come find him in 15 minutes when he's off the clock." then, in true bitch style, i proceeded to stand there silently, arms crossed, until they awkwardly walked away, saying, "umm let's go get eyeliner and... ummm mascara...," like they thought i'd just walk away, leaving them to chat. stupid girls. good luck with your completely unfulfilling life after you marry some dude who owns a landscaping company and goes tanning and cheats on you while you get your nails done and pick the kids up from school in a hummer.

i love it. and i hate girls. and women, too, now that i think about it.

anyhoo, speaking of hummers (the cars)(dirty minds...), don't you love that pres. bush actually said last week that one of the major reasons we're staying in iraq is to secure its oil for our own use? what? honesty??? yeesh. i thought it was weird to see satan buying a winter coat the other day, then returning to the now-chilly bowels of hell.

and yes, satan shops at target. who doesn't?

ok..... it's late and obviously i'm on something, so i'll leave you with a hint of what is to come, halloween-picture wise...

oh, and ps, we're just a few days away from being officially "under contract." can you sense john and i peeing our pants? excellent.

car car C-A-R

2006-10-30T02:24:00.000-05:00

my new car has thusly been dubbed "Chevy Chase."

oh, and it's a '99 toyota corolla.

so please do not be confused when i say, "i need to run out and get something from the chevy." i do not own a chevrolet, i own chevy chase. the car.

halloween pics to come soon.....

power of two

2006-09-25T02:04:00.000-05:00

i've concluded that i suck at creating titles for my sporatic posts, so from now on queen regina doth decree they wilt be song titles or random quotes. the end.

so today we saw five houses, mostly in the medford area, and we absolutely loved one of them. it's WAY overpriced (it was a flip that was given up on - everything is done half-assed and it needs a ton of cosmetic work, which we can definitely do), but that doesn't mean we can't make an offer much lower, which we of course would. first, of course, we have to get pre-qualified, or even better pre-approved, for a mortgage, something that is necessary and absolutely frightening.

i mean, it's one thing to go look at houses; the fun of attending open houses with no intention to buy is that you know that you probably can't afford the place, but the agents showing it have no idea. it's sick fun to make them do their whole routine without the knowledge that there's no chance in hell you'd ever make an offer.

i am a mean, mean person.

anyway, the whole mortgage thing is scary because it's real life. it's signing a paper so that a bank will give you $300,000. PS, you need to pay it back over the next THIRTY years. THIRTY YEARS??? dude, i'm unsure about tomorrow and you want me to make a flipping thirty-year commitment? heavy....

j-boy is having a worse time with it; he'd kill me for saying this, but he's scared out of his mind. i'm not really scared, because i know we'll always be fine, no matter what, but even the concept of owning property weighs on my mind. when we first started with the open houses, i was super excited, over excited really, and always walked into each house with the mindset, "I want it! Now let me actually look at it for a reason why."

now, though, i'm all business. i suffered through countless scoldings with j explaining, "now, we're not going to buy this next house either, so i don't want you getting excited. we'll never buy it. ever. do not show any enthusiasm or i will yell at you again. do not smile. do not make any reassuring gestures that may be construed as 'excitement.' i want you to dread looking at this house, that's how unexcited you should be."

perhaps that was a bit exaggerated.... but you get my drift.

this whole process is still not real, although finding that diamond in the rough today was a step toward reality. we both agreed it had amazing potential that we would be able to produce and further discussed the next step, which is talking to brokers and determining our limit.

ummmmmm when did i grow up? i think i missed that announcement. oh wait, was it when i pushed a 6.5 lb. bundle of love through my va-jay-jay and now my life revolves around this little person and her every whim? ah yes. now i remember.

the babe is soooooooooo cute, i can't even tell you. from the extensive phone calls with herself to the amazing booty-shaking, she is one of the funniest people i have ever met. i mean, she calls me by my first name because she knows it bothers me. brat. she'll spend five or ten minutes just running around and around the hall, chased by NOONE, hysterically laughing the whole time - i can't wait until we have a yard for her to run around with her cousins and maybe some future siblings....

well, judging from that last comment the crack is apparantly kicking in. it's been real, peeps. one of these days j will finally send me some pics to share - tune in!

update: i lie like a rug. here are a few:

what a sourpuss.

she's not smiling in any of these pictures...

inner monologue: "oh no he is NOT sitting next to me. if he grabs a block i'll freaking lay him out."

oo-la-la bebe with some blocks, including a bear head that also functions as a block. yes, it scares me, too.

uh oh...

awwww hooray for sharing!

yo

2006-09-17T02:28:00.000-05:00

long time, no write, huh.

instead of spending an entire post devoted to how i haven't updated, i'll just jump right in with my thought of the day.

someone/thing has been trying to kill me all day, and it's totally not cool. how, you may ask? well here's how:

1. i had some wicked chest pains most of the day, leaving me convinced i was on the verge of a heart attack. my sister, the "nurse" (i don't know why that's in quotes, she literally is a nurse)(it stays), said that i had indigestion and it eventually went away, but when i used to have indigestion/heartburn whilst pregnant, i felt burning up and down my esophagus, not IN MY F'N HEART. i'll keep y'all posted on whether or not i die of a massive heart attack. stay tuned.

2. i was filling the dishwasher like a half hour ago, bent down to pull the door closed, and suddenly heard a clicking noise and smelled gas. i turned around and somehow i turned on one of the stove burners with my ass. puh-lease. the knobs have to be pushed in THEN turned. i mean, my ass is incredible and all, but it's not quite trained enough to do the work of opposable thumbs.

3. not ten minutes ago i'm washing my face when i somehow turn my sister's hair dryer on, which was plugged in and sitting on the floor. for a split second i considered pulling the plug out of the wall when i realized, "hey, your hands are soaking wet. wanna die? then go ahead and pull out that chord. ass." so i was forced to open my eyes and turn it off manually, all the while getting stinging dove facewash in my peepers.

hence and thusly, someone/thing has put out a hit on me. f you, vengeful whomever.

aight i'm about done here. househunting is interesting, especially b/c we're not really looking seriously at the moment, but whatev. more on that later.

peace out, bitches.

wut up

2006-07-16T02:49:00.000-05:00

ummm.... sorry? this is all i can say. no excuses about school, work, lil, life, etc. being crazy... i just suck.

on that note, i don't actually have time to post, but i SHALL post pictures from the 2006 AIDS Walk NY because they're fabulous and make me laugh. the end.

my babe the "drunk mexican"

"yay for gays!"

"new game! let's whack mommy in the face with a gay pride flag!"

"still hilarious..."

oh my girl... she loves the gays, just like her mom.

oooo!! guess what john said the other night - we were making dinner and talking about something (can't remember what) and civil unions came up. john says, "god, just let the gays get married. who cares?" wowza. this conservative republican love of my life (supreme oxymoron) gets it, why can't everyone else????

alrighty - i will now go soothe myself with the image of lily waving a gay flag around at the aids walk.

team CuDDLES hates aids, y'all.

has it been almost a month?

2006-05-05T00:16:00.000-05:00

yes, kids, yes it has.

sorry for the absence, but this semester has been absolutely ridiculous (as i have written a bajillionty times before), but i won't bore you with the details. long story short, today, may 5, is my last day. until may 23, of course, but i've already started davinci code so it's all good.

you know, i just signed onto IM for the first time in, like, two weeks and am sitting here reading everyone's away messages. i knew the canisius graduation is in a few weeks, but everyone's away messages is rejoicing about the countdown and the fact that tomorrow is quad party... crazy...

like my canisius counterparts, i, too, will engage in a wild 'n crazy last hurrah before summer (summer = three weeks before the next term). here's the itinerary for my day:
*wake up around 8/9 am
*make the baby her standard breakfast (1 egg scrambled, bowl of applesauce, handful of cheerios, cup of milk)
*eat a bagel/bowl of oatmeal
*watch the wiggles (maybe even bear and the big blue house if we feel like getting crazy)
*shower (shaving legs?)
*give the babe a bath (which equates to taking a second shower)
*take a walk/go to playground
*take a nap with the child
*actually eat lunch?
*wait until the very last minute to get ready for work, and then run around like a madwoman until i'm sweating and feel gross, probably drop the baby off late, thus getting to work late, then stay later at work b/c i'll feel guilty for showing up late
*head to john's, where a glass of wine will be waiting
*drink ONE glass, b/c i'm on antibiotics for ANOTHER freakin' uti, and also b/c i have to work at 9am on sat.

canisius college quad party has nothing on me.

(in all seriousness, someone have a drink in my honor. my itinerary is pathetic and i know it)(except for the wiggles part. i love the wiggles.)

in other news, joanifer came to visit last weekend, which was LOVELY! i felt like such a normal person, hanging out with a friend who does not double as my boyfriend. we went to a panel discussion at the tribeca film festival about mockumentaries, which featured: jeff goldblum, michael mckean, bob balaban, ed helms (a la daily show), and some newspaper satirist dude. yes, you read that list correctly. joan and her friend lizzy made these ridiculously incredible jeff goldblum t-shirts featuring different quotes from his various film work. mine was from the big chill but alas, i cannot remember what it said. curses. joan slyly made her way over to jeff, b/c it was her b-day and she was the queen, and presented him with her shirt, much to his amusement. she said he was really nice. and ridiculously tall.

we then wandered around downtown before making our way up to midtown where we had some lunch. luckily, i checked my watch during an intense conversation about the worst movies ever made, b/c the show was going to start in 15 minutes... nice one, us. after paying (joan tried to slip out unnoticed)(sneaky midwesterner...), we rushed to studio 54 to see "the threepenny opera" with: nellie mckay, alan cumming, cindy lauper, ana gasteyer, and carlos leon (madonna's baby daddy)(a phrase actually used in a new york times article about the show).

thoughts on the show:
1. i hate brecht. i knew this going in, but by the end, when one of the characters descended from the wings on a neon horse, wearing gold hotpants, gold cowboy hat, gold glitter cowboy boots, and covered in gold glitter, my hatred was cemented. granted, the horse/cowboy business was all wallace shawn and isaac misrahi, but people c'mon. I HATE BRECHT.

2. alan cumming was incredibly disappointing. i read quite a few reviews before seeing it, which may have been a mistake, but they were all spot-on. as mac the knife, he really wasn't frightening or intimidating, he just seemed crazy and oversexed. i don't know if he was just surrounded by bad actors, but their "scared" responses to him were exaggerated and insincere. i cried a little inside. :(

3. nellie mckay was INCREDIBLE! i was so proud of my girl, for true. she was cute, sincere, and powerful when she needed to be. she was one of the only bright spots in the show (along with jim dale).

4. cindi lauper was also awesome. the acting? not so much. but her voice was vulnerable and world-weary, perfect for jenny.

5. ana gasteyer - WOW!!! her voice is out of this world! her acting was aight, nothing earth shattering.

6. i don't know who told carlos leon he could act, but they were either retarded, deaf/dumb/blind, or sleeping with him. wallace shawn, please stop casting him in your shows. carlos leon, please stop breathing because you suck.

7. the lighting was amazing. unconventional and wacky, but it fit perfectly with the interpretation. isaac's costumes were eclectic and perfect, as well, except for those adidas pants, which i am convinced were a last-minute choice when a costume ripped or something.

after the show we rushed to the stage door and set up camp. i got alan, cindi, and ana's signatures. we then waited a bit (with, like, two other people who cared) before NELLIE appeared!!! she is seriously the cutest thing of my life. she was wearing this yellow and black checked coat, obviously vintage, and had a really long conversation with us (really long in stage-door-conversation time) about the show, her album, our seeing the show solely for her,etc. in regard to nellie mckay i would like to: a. be her friend or b. put her in my pocket and take her home to be my singing/piano playing/politics-talking slave. done and done.

joan came out to li with me. we went to my sister's boyfriend's band's show at some shitty bar in commack (anyone excited? no? neither were we). the singer SUCKED, so we left as soon as we possibly could. on sunday we had breakfast at my bagel place before joanifer took the train to brooklyn to meet up with lizzy and visit pratt, her future grad school. i was SO happy that she visited - and it's weird, it didn't feel like we hadn't seen each other in almost two years. we do talk on the phone often, but i dunno... it was great, though. yay joan!! and yay for her being so close in just a few months!!!

aight, i just noticed how ridiculously long this entry is, so i'll end now.

PS - PLEASE SOMEONE THINK OF A NAME FOR OUR AIDS WALK TEAM!!!!! c'mon people, help!!

pictures, anyone?....

lil and xavier hiding underneath the kitchen table stuffing themselves with chips

"oh, don't even TRY to take this cookie..."

my beautiful girl...

AIDS Walk NY

2006-04-13T01:42:00.000-05:00

hey, kids!

this is just a quick post to let y'all know that i am forming a team for the AIDS walk ny on may 21 in central park. i'll be walking with tommy and the lilster, fo' sho', and welcome anyone who will be in the nyc vicinity to join us! if you can't walk, we'd really appreciate a donation for this incredible cause.

visit here for info about the walk and the AIDS epidemic your participation/donation may help.

we also need to decide on a team name and logo for the shirts we're going to make (oh hells yes, we're going all out)(even the baby gets one), so please offer suggestions. tomas offered "The Amazings".... needless to say the name offers should keep a-comin'.

after our team registration is accepted and we decide on a name, i'll post again so you guys can join or send donations.

woo!

i'm an english major, i swear!

2006-04-07T09:50:00.000-05:00

it has come to my attention that i misspelled a word in my last post. i felt that it warranted (a.k.a. cherry pie-d)(kill me now) a new post.

upon sharing the kittens in sinks site, i wrote that i'd share this "jem" with you all. dictionary.com defines "jem" as: "jem, n : a terrorist organization founded in 2000; a militant Islamic group active in Kashmir and closely aligned with Al-Rashid Trust; seeks to secure release of imprisoned fellow militants by kidnappings [syn: Jaish-i-Mohammed, Jaish-e-Muhammad, JEM, Army of Muhammad]"

for those of you not into extremist jihad, see also barbie 80's glam rockers.

i swear, i am not joining a band of either 80's glam rockers or muslim extremists. if, however, i do, i promise to post from my cave/mansion - because, seriously kids, if i'm gonna do either, i'm going all out.

have i mentioned you should kill me? excellent.

baldguysayswhat - what?

2006-04-07T02:44:00.000-05:00

me: eddie money? didn't he just get convicted of statutory rape in vietnam?
joan: that was gary glitter, you bitch.

a-mazing. in other news, i'm slowly going insane due to my lack of sleep due to the ridiculous amount of schoolwork i have due to the ridiculous number of classes i'm taking due to my insanity. ah, we've come full circle...

the baby is doing well. she's at a weird stage where she doesn't really want baby food anymore (of course right after john and i separately buy huge stocks of it)(awesome timing, baby), but doesn't really "get" adult food. she loves cheerios and zwieback toast (kind of like melba toast, but for babies)(or people without teeth), but stubborn me refuses to just let her eat that. so, my 1-year-old are at war, and she's winning. of course.

i swear i had something of substance to say, but it has escaped me. oh well. maybe someday i'll create a post worth reading, but for now - deal.

i will leave you with this jem, courtesy of my new favorite website...

long time, no..... write....

2006-03-27T01:35:00.000-05:00

okay. i totally have several valid excuses for why i haven't posted in so freaking long. basically, school is HELL right now. taking five classes? not so smart. plus, the baby is walking now and gets into everything.

for example, this morning i found her playing in the toilet bowl. with one hand she splashed the water and with the other, she used one of her stacking cups to take cupfulls of toilet water and dump them all over the floor. i think i purelled her entire body before giving her a bath. nasty, man.

not much else is going on. OH! i am proud to announce that i am making my triumphant return to theatre as.... the stage manager for a terrible elementary school musical revue!!! as i explained to tommy boy, i get to wear a cool headset and yell at little kids, so it's not all bad. the show, however, is actually ALL bad. ALL. BAD. there's way too much going on with it to explain here, so i'll just leave it at that. it's bad. have i mentioned that?

in other news, i'm totally psyched for joanie to come visit. she must meet my blessed child of sin and have a slice at my pizza place and a bagel at my bagel place and drink our delicious award-winning tap water and enjoy the hella boring long island. i don't know all of the details yet, but we WILL be attending the april 29th (joanifer's b-day!!!) performance of "the threepenny opera" starring, no lie, alan cumming, nellie mckay, cindy lauper, ana gastayer, and last, but certainly not least, madonna's baby-daddy-turned-actor carlos leon. amazing, right? i know it.

soooooo i got about two hours of sleep last night, woken up as i do every morning by a swift slap to the face by my lovely 1-year-old. right after she slapped me, she sneezed all over my nose and mouth, then laughed. is she my girl or what?

i leave y'all with some cute pictures - we went to the bronx zoo last week, so hopefully i'll be getting some of those soon. enjoy!

wowza

2006-02-09T02:38:00.000-05:00

ummmm can i say that this picture is incredible?

also, this was about a week and a half after i realized i was preggers. i am retAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArded. but let me say that i enjoy the belly - and my boobs are gargantuan.

the end.

note: thanks to laura for posting this picture so i could steal it and claim it as my own. you're cool.

suck it, joan

2006-01-31T01:52:00.000-05:00

wow, that title sure sounds harsh.

it stays.

a few posts ago, i put up pictures of john and the baby and commented about their incredible resemblance. miss john e. stoltman, however, did not see said resemblance. hence and thusly, i will post these pictures to prove my point.

HA! if you still don't see a resemblance, get your eyes checked, people. john's mom just found this picture - i'm not sure how old he is, but i was thoroughly frightened when I saw it.

in completely unrelated news, the kid has this weird habit of dancing ALL THE TIME, whether she hears music or not. she dances like elaine benis, so at least i can say she got something from me.

alrighty, i guess that's all. i expect a full confession from you, joanifer. werd.

oy with the poodles already...

2006-01-27T03:51:00.000-05:00

thought i'd throw some gilmore girls at ya'.

so tonight, the kid took THREE steps all by herself! oh, and she's turning ONE this saturday!!! can i tell you how old i feel? in keeping with the gilmore girls theme, i think i'm going to wake her up at 6:17 on sat. and tell her the story of her birth. it is as follows:

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG STORY AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION (and a lot of free time)

on thursday, january 27, afternoon, i visited my obstetrician and maternal fetal medicine specialist (hooray blood disorder). the first told me that i should pop at any time and to help me out, the doctor stuck his finger up my cooch and poked your little sac (INCREDIBLY uncomfortable feeling for me - i can't imagine how you felt). the specialist said that if you didn't come out by monday night, they were going to induce labor. both doctors recommended lots of sex over the weekend to get things moving (i am not kidding)(john was quite pleased). that night, i was hanging out with daddy at the hotel (for reference, john's house caught fire and they lived in a hotel for six months). i started to feel uncomfortable, almost like slight indigestion, at about 7:30 pm, but thought nothing of it, since you had been giving me unbelievable gas for the past five months. when we left to drop me off at home, i told nana and grandpa, "he may be getting a call tonight!" i told daddy the same thing as he dropped me off, and he laughed. silly silly man.

as i sat watching tv with aunt kate and uncle tim, the discomfort grew, not unbearably, just more uncomfortably. kate said she thought i was in labor, but i wasn't sure. everyone went to bed and by 11:30 pm, i was in my pj's and playing computer games. during my ninth month, you had put me in a wacko sleep schedule. i would stay up until 4 or 5 am and sleep until 2 or 3 pm. i guess you were getting me prepared for your first eight or nine months... can't say you didn't warn me, right?

so i'm on the computer and the discomfort is growing, still not to the unbearable point. i kept having the feeling that i had to poop, so i was running back and forth to the bathroom. in the back of my mind i remembered reading an article saying that during the early stages of labor, the normal woman's body instinctually cleans itself out in preparation of delivery.

although the pain wasn't crazy yet, i knew you were coming. i didn't want to go the hospital yet - because i was considered a "high-risk" pregnancy, i was afraid that they'd want to do a c-section if you were taking too long, so i waited until the last minute to call daddy and the doctor.

i started timing contractions at about 12:30 am. they were about 7 or 8 minutes apart. at about 2:00 am, i stood up to pee again and WHAMMO! i fell to my knees in unbelievable pain. have you ever had a charlie horse? well imagine it over your entire body and ten times as painful. i felt a ton of pressure in my pelvic area, and i could tell you were ready to come out. it took me about 35 minutes to get from the computer room upstairs to aunt kate (the nurse's) room downstairs. i had a pad of paper and my cell phone, writing down the duration and time between contractions. it went from 8, to 7, to THREE, suddenly. it's kind of funny to look at the paper now, because my writing is all calm at the top and as you move down the page, it gets messier and messier until each number takes up two or three spaces and is almost unintelligible. i pushed kate's door open and said quietly, "umm kate? i think i'm in labor." she got up right away and grandma heard us and came running down.

i called daddy and said, "get over here right now she's coming." he said sleepily, "are you sure?" i said, "GET OVER RIGHT NOW!" and hung up on him. i then called the doctor, who was asleep, and was told to go to the hospital. i threw on my trusty velour maternity pants and a ratty sweater between contractions, and waddled to the car as soon as daddy rolled up. as he came up to the front door to help me, his face was all flushed and he had a big grin on his face - i could tell he was excited. he threw my pre-packed bag into the trunk and quickly drove to the hospital.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: the rest of the experience is kind of sketchy. i was pretty out of it b/c i hadn't slept since the day before and was in a LOT of pain. much of the information is second-hand from daddy.

on the way to the hospital, daddy tried to make me laugh like he did at our lamaze class. i would have none of it, however. i told him to shut up. i asked him to put on the radio and after two seconds, screamed at him to shut it off. when he asked how i was feeling, i said, "please don't talk to me. drive. carefully." we arrived at the hospital and he dropped me off and went to park the car. there were a few nurses on their cigarette break and one helped me into a wheelchair. my eyes were closed for most of this because it seemed to help the pain (weird...), but i somehow blurted out, "i'm in labor. the baby's coming NOW." she wheeled me up to the sixth floor, where the nurses calmly asked if i was sure i was in labor. at this point i looked up, sweat on my brow, legs sprawled apart, and said, "my contractions are two minutes apart. if i'm not in labor, something is wrong."

okay, that's a lie. that's what rational regina was thinking. instead, when they asked if i was SURE i was in labor, i looked up, sweat on my brow, legs sprawled apart, and said, "YES. I NEED DRUGS NOW. PLEASE." and put my head back into my hands. i was brought into my personal birthing room and was given a gown to put on. again, i was out of it, but it felt like it took 15-20 minutes to get this thing on. and by now i wanted to push SO BADLY, but was afraid to pee or sit on the toilet b/c i had this bizarro image of sitting down, peeing, and you splashing into the toilet water. but i digress.

i finally get the gown on (cotton, thank god) and they lay me on the bed. daddy is nowhere to be seen. apparantly they sent him to admit me, but all i wanted was for him to be there. because we weren't married, they wouldn't let him in until i had signed the paperwork and had gotten settled in. as the nurses got me all set up, i had no one to help with contractions, so i did it myself. when one would come on, i would lay completely still. during a contraction, which is basically a muscle spasm, your body wants to curl up and flex your muscles. this is where the pain comes in. if you lay completely still, the pain passes more easily. so as i feel one coming on, i lay still and say, out loud mind you, "it's okay. it's okay. be calm. stay still. it will pass. calm. calm. calm." and so on and so forth. i was totally in the zone while doing this and only felt like a freak after it had passed. the scene in the room was like this: i would feel a contraction coming on and go through my routine as the nurses scurried around me. after it had passed, i would open my eyes a crack and say over and over, "i'm so sorry. i'm normally not this crazy. i'm so sorry." then i'd say, "please, i need drugs, please! i'm so sorry. i'm in so much pain. drugs, PLEASE, GOD!!! i'm so sorry" over and over...

i signed a ridiculous amount of paperwork, all of which i cannot remember, because i was in f'n LABOR at the time. my signature was all messy and junk. it was funny. anyway, daddy finally appeared, who knows when, and witnessed my contraction shpeal (sp?) - he was TOTALLY freaked out, which is understandable. he would try to hold my hand, but i'd go, "LET GO OF ME! calm, regina. calm. it will pass. just stay still, regina." the nurses were impressed by me and kept telling me and daddy that i had incredible control and we should be proud, but daddy was freaked out and i was about to push a watermelon through a drinking straw, so neither of us were particularly proud. he did feed me ice chips, which was sweet. i later felt bad for not letting him help, but c'mon. i'm the one doing all the work and whatever helped me get through it was the way it was gonna be.

the anesthesiologist FINALLY showed up at about 4:30 am. or something like that. i don't really remember. daddy had to leave the room while they did the epidural, which sucked. i sat up in the bed, my legs hanging over one side, with a pillow rolled up under my belly. the anes. sat on the other side of the bed and did his thang (stuck a giant needle into my lower spine and thread a tube through to a particular spot). they started the epidural and let daddy back in. the change was almost instant. i could open my eyes and laugh and joke. i could still feel the contractions, but they were MUCH less than before.

alas, that of course could not last. after 15 minutes of "bliss," my right side felt painful again. my upper thigh, butt cheek, and lower pelic area BURNED with every contraction. the nurse suggested i lay on my right side so the medicine could drip down, but it didn't work. i asked for the anes. and he told us that sometimes the medicine doesn't work in certain areas. in some women, it doesn't work AT ALL. thank god at least my left side was okay.

they checked my cervix at about 4 am and i was 4 centimeters dilated, which i could NOT believe. i thought you were half out, judging from the amount of pain i felt. after my doctor finally decided to show up at 5:15 (at the idea of his wife, who thought he should go in sooner than later)(thanks, doctor's wife). he checked my cervix at 5:30 and lo and behold - i was 10 centimeters! i dilated 6 cent. in one hour - when they found that out, all the nurses were like, "oh wow that really must have been painful." uh. yes.

the doctor said that i was ready to push and he left to get ready. all the nurses were shocked because they thought you wouldn't come for another few hours. the shifts changed at 8 and all the night nurses kept saying, "well we won't be here when she's born." so much they knew.

a little after 6 am, i started to push. my butt was at the end of the table and my legs were up in those scary-looking stir-up things. you'd think i'd be embarassed with my cooch open for a doctor, and anesthesiologist, and about five nurses to see, but oddly enough i didn't care at all. i wanted you OUT (no offense) and you wanted to come out. to be honest, i was more occupied at this point with the fear of pooping that the pain kind of came second. they figured out that my right side hurt so badly because you were at an angle pushing your way out. your whole body and feet were lodged against my right side (we could see you kick through my belly).

daddy got his camera ready as i pushed. i didn't want the giant mirror allowing me to watch the whole thing; i wanted daddy to experience that for himself. that was his special part about your birth - he got to watch it all happen. i looked at his face after every push, watching his reactions. he had that big grin on his face and kept saying, "oh my god" and "she's coming!"

pushing felt SO good - such a relief! i hate to be graphic, but you know when you reeeealy have to poop, and after you do you feel this amazing sense of calm? well that's kind of like giving birth. only not nearly as painful. i hope. if it is, you need to seek medical attention.

in less than 15 minutes, your head popped out. daddy smiled as he stared at you and said, "oh my god, regina, you're doing it. she's really here." with one more big push, you were out! as the doctor held you up, i burst into tears and said, "oh my god, oh my god" over and over. you were all bloody, mainly because they had cut me to get you out more quickly (i had NO idea - i didn't feel a thing)(daddy later said that them cutting me was the most disgusting part of the whole process). i could see that you had some dark, curly hair, and you were wiggling around, screaming your brains out. i wanted to hold you and kiss you and squeeze you so badly.

daddy cut your umbilical cord.

i reached out to take you, but they wanted to warm you up because your blood pressure had been dropping (hence them wanting to get you out). i got a hold of you somehow and pulled you to me, but they convinced me they needed to clean you up, so i let you go. daddy and i hugged and kissed and said "i love you" and "oh my god" and "i can't believe this" a bunch of times before he went over to get pictures of them cleaning you off.

i glanced down and saw the doctor doing something between my legs and i asked what. in all the confusion, i had "passed the placenta," which i didn't feel at all, and he was sewing me up (sidenote: he said he made me a bit "tighter," which i didn't get in my post-pushing haze).

after they had you all cleaned up , they took your official footprints. daddy took off his sweatshirt and they put your little feet on his undershirt, right over his heart. he still has that shirt in his closet and still hasn't washed it!

they wrapped you up like a little burrito and daddy got to hold you - but just for a minute because i called dibs first. they put me in a sitting position and handed you to me. i'm choking up right now remembering that moment because i don't think i've ever been so proud or happy in my life.

no matter what i do in my life, i'll never top this moment. i made a person. i was holding a human being that lived inside of my body. i was responsible for another living thing, not quite on par with the goldfish i had as a child. i breastfed you for the first time, which was incredible. you latched on right away. we managed to pull you off so we could take a few pictures, and then i let daddy hold you.

he was in complete awe. his face was flushed and even though we were both exhausted, his eyes were shining. he was so happy.

after about 20 minutes, they took you down to the nursery to give you a real bath and daddy went to supervise. to hell with me! his little girl needed an escort. i understood, though, and the nurses made me comfortable as i watched tv and tried to sleep.

the sun rose right after you popped out and my room was overlooking the ocean. it was such a beautiful sight - daddy took a picture of it.

everything from then on was a whirlwind. lots of visitors and LOTS of blood and tears that first night, but i won't get into that...

so now you know the story of your birth. i may have left things out here and there, but you get the idea.

i am incredibly proud to be your mommy, little one. i often miss my independence, being able to go wherever i want, sleep whenever i want and all that, but every time i pick you up and you nuzzle into my shoulder, those thoughts melt into the back of my mind. i will never be a failure because i have you. i gave up everything to be your mommy and it was the best decision i have ever made.

if anyone actually made it through this whole thing, you deserve a medal.

oh, and get a life.

:)

january 2005

december 2005

weird..........

2005-12-27T03:00:00.000-05:00

am i alone in seeing an incredible resemblance? wacky.

anyhoo, the fall term is "over," but not really b/c i still have to write a 10-page research paper. gay. i'll post more when that crap is no more.

ps - there are some updated pictures in my online album. werd.

Oh Christmas....

2005-12-18T22:50:00.000-05:00

ok so i have NO time to write, much less breathe, so i'm just going to share these INCREDIBLE pictures...

i mean c'mon..... how much cuter can you get. seriously.

okay school ends this coming friday and i have a list of things to do when that day comes...

1. breathe
2. sleep
3. CALL JOAN
4. get wasted

maybe i'll do #4 before #3... but whatever.... they will get done.

fin.

long overdue, i know...

2005-11-21T01:59:00.000-05:00

people have been bitching to me about updating this thang, so here goes. i've been insanely busy lately with tar-gay, school, and the kid. she is ALL OVER the place now - she's mastered crawling and is cruising with the best of them.

(to those who don't know these crazy baby terms, cruising is walking while holding on)(which doesn't really make sense because she's barely "cruising," more like "shuffling her feet and not falling, if she's lucky")(okay... "cruising" sounds way better).

today at john's she let go of the kitchen table and stood on her own for about three seconds before plopping onto her butt - but of course i was the ONLY person to see it... and nobody believes me. boo. why would i make that up, though? if i really wanted to puff her up, i'd say she cured cancer or something and can speak five languages. i mean really - i have a great imagination and wouldn't waste it on claiming she stood for three seconds. gosh.

oh man, so my boobs. a month and a half after weaning and the girls look like two deflated balloons. it's depressing, really. but i came across an article today on ivillage that said that it can take up to 6 months for boob fat to build up again, so there's still hope. apparantly the deflated balloon scenario is pretty common. awesome.

let's see... what else... oh - i got majorly depressed at the beginning of last week after going to mass on sunday. the gospel was the parable of the talents - to quickly sum it up: a master gives his three servants talents (a.k.a. money) while he goes on vacation. the first and second servants invest theirs while the third buries it in fear of losing it. when the master returns, the servants present the talents - the first two made a profit and the third brought his back shiny and new, but unused. the master was angry with the servant for wasting the talents and threw him out.

while the gospel uses the word talents as money, the story is also applicable to talents as we refer to them today (how awkwardly formal was that sentence...). the homily (given by my favorite priest) talked about not wasting what God gave you and serving the world with your gifts. this is where i got depressed and became really sad when i thought about it the next night. i am so torn with my life right now. i truly feel that i was put on this earth to raise my little girl, to give her life and teach her to be a good person, but WHY did God give me the desire for theatre? it seems so cruel - while i love being a mom and wouldn't trade it for the world, i can't help but entertain that exact thought. i missed theatre like you wouldn't believe the past few days and have resorted to watching myself on tape (the picture of pathetic) while crying. oy oy oy.

i'm feeling a lot better now, but i kind of want to meet with fr. sean and ask him about it. i just don't understand. it's like a cruel joke, seriously. in a way i wish i had never had theatre in my life at all - maybe i wouldn't know what i was missing. i've loved my experiences, but the more i think about them, the more regretful and sad i become.

ok i'm being a total debbie downer. i love the kid and john and i would be lost without either of them, but i'm so afraid i'll be lost in a few years without theatre. {sigh}. i hope i figure this out - suggestions would be much appreciated.

alrighty - that's enough depression for now. the kid now has four teeth on the top and two on the bottom and enjoys chewing on my chin - i think it's how she kisses me. it's cute, really. i'm hoping to post more pictures soon - i'll put a good one on here.

PS - joan: i need to call you this week - i officially suck at talking on the phone.
PPS - cait: you'd better f'n come visit me, i'll tell you what. no joke, yo.
PPPS - boobs: hang on, sisters.

what's that? i have the cutest child eva? thanks, i already knew...

2005-11-03T02:16:00.000-05:00

i mean c'mon. what the hell else can i say? there are three more pics so far in the online photo album, but there are lots more to come...

i started back at tar-gay tonight, which was exhausting. i'm going to work wed. and fri. nights and sat. mornings until jan. at the earliest - then we may put the kid in day care for a few hours every day so i can work weekday mornings again. i am SO looking forward to that - i HATE HATE HATE working with stupid high school boys and girls who flirt and giggle with each other and do no work.

when did i become such a killjoy? yeesh.

anyhoo, i was a little nervous going back to work, but also slightly empowered... difficult to explain. i worked my ass off and am really proud of myself, but missed the baby like crazy. this saturday is going to be AWFUL. i have eucharistic minister training in uniondale from 9am-1pm, then i work from 3-11pm. ri-COCK-ulous, i know. but hey, it's money, which i definitely need. i am going to be jonesing for my little cupcake by the end of the day. she's totally gonna sleep in my bed, no question. she's right next to me now - i missed her too much today to put her in the crib. aren't i selfish? oh well.

okay... i can't really think of anything else to write - i'm way burned out. oh - one last thing - so i go and pick up the babe from john's tonight. we put her in my car and as john and i hug goodbye, i notice a weird look on his face. upon asking what was the matter, he proceeded to tell me, "you smell like target." what the hell does that mean? there are lots of smells associated with target: no-english-speaking-illegal-immigrant-overnight-worker, slutty-pubescent-high school-boys-and-girls, bitter-seniors-damning-the-government-and-their-shitty-social-security-program, mad with power-"team leaders"-who-never-realize-that-no-one-is-jealous-of-their-chosen-career-as-the-manager-of-shoes, and the familiar stench of inexpensive-clothing-made-in-a-vietnamese-sweatshop. perhaps it's a combination of all five. "eau de target," i'll call it.

alrighty i think that's all i have to say about that.

WARNING:

2005-10-25T02:05:00.000-05:00

Men: you will not understand this post and may be grossed out by it.
Women: you will be jealous of me.

it has come to my attention (aka i just realized) that i have not gotten my period for... count it... A YEAR AND A HALF!!!

every woman reading this wants to be me.

is this not incredible? i haven't had severe cramps or bought tampons or had to deal with any of that bullshit in a lovely year and a half!!

then again, i did go through 9 months of pregnancy, push a 6.6 1/2 pound human being through my hoo-ha, bleed excessively for about 2 1/2 weeks, and had more mood swings (and chocolate) in a week than throughout every period since i was 12. even through all of that, though, i'm still thanking my lucky stars that my little enemy (i hate calling it my "friend." it's not my friend) has not yet returned. watch, i'm going to wake up with it tomorrow. damn you, life...

in other news (thank god, right) i will be headed back to good ol' tar-gay next week. daycare is still unsure, so i'll be working wednesday and friday nights and saturday mornings so john can watch her.

i'm pretty excited about getting back to work, although i'm having mixed feelings about putting the kid in daycare. she's only 9-months-old - my biggest fear is for her to take her first steps alone while there. when we do enroll her (which we eventually will, there's no way around it), i'm going to tell them that if she does have any major milestones to NOT TELL ME so i can be surprised when she does it at home.

you know, i'm realizing why i am so scared to put her in daycare. there's the whole milestone thing, but it goes deeper than that - my mom was always home when i was growing up. she'd put us on the bus in the morning, work as a telemarketer with the blood center a few days a week, get us off the bus in the afternoon, help with homework, make dinner, put us to bed, and then take night classes. she was like superwoman (or supermom) and i never realized how incredible she was until now. i feel like i'm selling the baby short, like i'm not providing for her well enough by giving her to strangers for a few hours a day.

i don't want to be melodramatic, but i always have this constant fear that everyone thinks i'm doing a bad job. i'm doing the best i can, but there are always those looks in older moms' eyes when they talk to me, especially because i'm so easygoing. other moms have their babies on strict schedules, while i let the kid do her own thing. older moms see too many datelines and 20/20s and read too many articles about recent studies in child safety, then admonish me for letting the baby sleep in my bed for so long or, after 9 months, letting her sleep on her stomach in the crib (she won't sleep any other way).

i know i shouldn't care and i know that i'm a good mom, but i also know what other people think, even if they don't say it out loud. i'm young and honestly not entirely prepared to raise a child, but goddamn it i'm doing it anyway.

okay... it's way late and i'm going to end this before i get too emotional. as my own version of supermom, i have been staying up until 4 or 5am doing schoolwork.

oh wait, cute anecdote: so last week john put the baby's pj's on (the onesie-thing with feeties) and after he left and i was putting her to bed, i changed her diaper. lo and behold, i found that he left her socks on under the feetie pajamas. i mean, honestly... who does that?? he's the cutest...

ok i'm going for true now. g'night (or g'morning) bitches.

new location. woo.

2005-10-16T02:29:00.000-05:00

i'm coming to you now from my bedroom, where i have relocated the laptop in an ill-conceived and swiftly-defeated attempt at getting some work done while the kid refuses to go to sleep. it is now 3:07am and she is still awake in her crib, crying away. she's cried so much this past week that she's hoarse - my daughter is now the kathleen turner of babies. faboo.

so the baby is completely weaned now, and the boobs are in almost pre-baby condition. the good thing about my virtually non-existant boobage is that the girls are too small to sag, which is excellent.

total random sidenote - where was i a year ago today? here:

...all pregnant and fabulous. and rotund. and glowing, may i add.

i was thinking about my pregnant belly a few days ago and reminisced about how i used to love sitting back on the couch while watching tv, my feet up, pants rolled down, and my hands on either side of my bellybutton, waiting for a kick or elbow or hiccup. the kid was (and still is) quite a mover and a shaker so i was rarely disappointed. i loved being pregnant, seriously. despite the water retention, fatigue, gas and waddling, i really felt beautiful. i loved the kind smiles i'd get from strangers and when john rubbed and kissed my belly. the random cravings were fun and the fact that i could eat pretty much whatever i wanted in any amount and it wasn't frowned upon; many times it was encouraged.

as i write about all the wonderful memories of rainbows and unicorns running through fields of smiling wildflowers, the baby is screaming at the top of her lungs three feet from me. what a reality check. it's now 3:21am, ps, and she has not stopped crying since i began writing. motherhood........ what can i say.

oh, so i'm going to make a mix cd of calm, gentle songs for the baby. i don't want to do stereotypical lullabyes and classical music: i was thinking along the veins of joni mitchell's "case of you," coldplay's "green eyes," and billy joel's "goodnight my angel." ANY SUGGESTIONS?? feel free to email me songs (after my computer crashed in freshman year, i never regained the colossus that was my playlist of downloads) or just post suggestions. i've decided that my child will have stellar music taste, even if i have to ban Z100 and shit pop music from her innocent ears.

okay... the crying is ridiculous now. say prayers that i figure out some magical way of getting her to sleep on her own.

hooray for life

2005-10-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

ok so people are actually leaving comments, which means that this blog is being read. kewl.

and laura - ask away, yo! after having approximately 5 strangers stare up my cooch as i pushed out a bloody human being, i've kind of lost all shame.

so the boobs: i've got two words for you - CABBAGE LEAVES. yes, that old wives' tale is true; cabbage leaves DO help with engorgement (that word is awful, isn't it?). i thought i'd feel odd sticking two gigantic leaves of cabbage into my sports bra but hell, after everything i've tried to heal the girls, this was the least odd. i wrote an extensive explanation of my current boob situation, but it was quite graphic and nasty. the basic story is that my nipples are trying to extract themselves from my body - let's leave it at that.

alrighty - lily is in her own crib now - well, really we're ATTEMPTING to get her to stay in her crib now. she's woken up about three times already and is screaming again. i'll continue the post later!

oh boobs...

2005-10-03T00:13:00.000-05:00

i feel like writing an ode to my breasts. i mean, i wasn't that crazy about them before the baby - they were on the small side, but looked decent in a push-up bra. they didn't bounce around too much or made my back hurt, so we were on good terms.

then came the child.

now they're all stretch-marked (oh yeah, you get them there, too) and veiny. they're bigger, which is cool, but i have to hold them when i run up and down the stairs b/c they bounce around. i'm also afraid of the whole sagging deal - but i hear that won't happen too badly for a few years, so whatever.

let's move on to the nipples. we aren't speaking at the moment, but it's totally the kid's fault. SHE'S the one making them bleed and the skin peel off and constantly hurt - i keep trying to tell them that, but they won't listen. they've written me off months ago. i try to not think of them, but alas - they throb with pain most of the day, so forgetting is a bit difficult.

but back to the boobs. so we're weaning the babe and i developed a plugged milk duct, which soon became infected because of the broken skin on the nip. fascinating, correct? the other night, the top half of my right boob became hard as a rock and i had a fever of 103, complete with severe chills. now i'm on antibiotics and cursing life because i have mastitis. yes, infected clogged boob has a medical name.

ya' know, i think i should rename this blog "any woman who is even thinking about pregancy: READ THIS FIRST." ps to that, if anyone has questions about ANYTHING in the baby-making, -cooking, -popping out, -feeding, -etc.ing just ask and i'll write a lengthy and most likely disgusting post about it. i'm good like that.

okay, the kid is getting restless, so i'll end here.

john still claims to enjoy the girls (not like he's seen them recently)(poor guy...), so it can't be all bad. i'm back to wearing normal clothes, a.k.a. tank tops and bras that don't snap open at the boob like dominatrix-wear.

nursing bras: for the more mature sex employee. with a baby.

{sigh}.

i.am.going.insane.

2005-09-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

have i mentioned i hate weaning? oh, and teething? well if i haven't, let me say it now:

I HATE WEANING AND TEETHING!!!!!!!!!!!

apart from the fact that my nipples are essentially falling off, lily isn't taking to the whole weaning business. i never realized how often she breastfed at night, mostly because we sleep together and neither of us wake up at night when she eats. now that we're switching to a bottle, however, i've realized that she eats every hour. wait, let me rephrase that. last night, she woke up EVERY HOUR screaming because she just wanted to have a little suck and go back to sleep. oy. i feel like i'm right back at the beginning when we first brought her home. very frustrating.

but there were a few times last night (as there are every night) when i watch her fall asleep or go and wake her up that i realize how great she is and how happy i am.

i hope i'm a good mom. i get choked up writing that because it's so incredibly important to me. there are moments when i doubt myself; those hours in the middle of the night when i'm all alone with the baby and she's crying her eyes out and there's nothing i can do about it. i think, "can i do this? should i be doing this? who's the crackhead who allowed me to have a child?"

but then there are the moments when i wow myself. i'm proud that i can pinpoint the exact moment when her fake cry becomes real. i love that when she's particularly pissed at me she yells, "DITH!" (i think it may mean bitch and she just doesn't realize it yet). i give myself a pat on the back when i finish my assignments days before they're due.

i fear weaning. i fear having the baby learn to sleep in the crib by herself. i fear being expendable.

oh my god, i think i just understood the whole "parenthood" thing.

for the past 8 months, i've been her survival. i'm food, i'm warmth, i'm comfort. but not anymore. i've been replaced by powdered milk and plastic nipples and blankets and a mobile.

i know i'm being horribly overdramatic, but i feel like i've lost an arm or something. she's learning how to crawl and can pull herself to her feet in the crib. other people can change diapers and give her baths and make her laugh. i have this unspoken fear that as soon as she's completely weaned, someone is going to pop up and take her away. you know, like, "well now she doesn't need you anymore. thanks for the boob, lady - your work here is through. move along."

and then there's another part of me that's thinking about the future. all of a sudden raising a child is tangible. i'm thinking about putting her on a school bus and making lunches and teaching her about sex (i don't know why that always pops into my mind - i'm a cautionary tale, i suppose). all that scares me almost as much as someone taking her away. okay, that's not true at all - i think i'd die if i didn't have her.

alrighty - time for night #2 of our "week of weaning extravaganza!" shoot me now.

(don't really shoot me now. in 10 years i'll be saying, "i wish she was still at that age!" shoot me then.)

oh momma knows...

2005-09-26T16:23:00.000-05:00

... i always used to say that but now it has such deeper meaning. anyhoo!

we had a rough night last night, me and the kid. i'm pretty sure she's getting another tooth and all she wants to do is chew on my boob. i am SO, well, torn up - there's no other way to put it. when we first went to bed at about 12:30 they didn't really hurt. cut to 4:30am, lily wakes up wanting to eat/chew on something. she latches on - OH MY GOD. it felt like someone was literally slicing my nipple off with a jagged knife. i tried the other side - just as bad! she proceeded to cry for about an hour. i knew she wasn't hungry, just in pain and frustrated, as was i. i gave her some baby oragel which eventually calmed her down (thank jesus). we fell asleep again until i woke up at about 9 after having the WORST dream EVER.

ok so i dreamt that john and i were giving lily up for adoption - but instead of just getting rid of her, we were switching her for this other lady's baby who was 4 months younger than lil. someone was going to take care of this strange baby for 4 months (like she was on lay-away??) until she was lily's age now, at which time john and i would then take her as our own. in the dream, we signed the papers and had 24 hours to sit and wait in case we changed our mind. so i'm sitting there watching lily roll around and smile - and i started to get upset. i pull john into the bathroom (?) and question what we had just done. he agreed that it was a bad idea - not the giving lily up, but taking this other baby! i remember exactly what he said - i said, "i think we just made a big mistake" and he said, "yeah, we totally flatlined it" (whatever the hell that means). he went on to say, "if we want to get rid of her, why the hell would we take another one?" AHHHH!! it was horrible! i woke up suddenly, waking the baby as well. she started crying again - and so did i! i was crying HYSTERICALLY - rocking her back and forth saying, "i'm so sorry - you know i want you." she was freaked out and in pain and hungry. what a nightmare. literally.

so i got up and made her a bottle, which she refused to eat for the next hour or so. we drifted in and out of sleep until john called at 11:30. i started crying again with him, which he always loves, and then just decided to get up.

okay.... crying baby.... i'll continue later....

Intro...

2005-09-24T13:35:00.000-05:00

Yo, all.

So I was in bed last night, falling asleep with the baby in my arms, and I thought, "I should create a blog called 'Baby Momma Memoirs.' " So here we are.

Actually, there was more thought put into the idea than described; that was just the abridged version. Essentially, I'll be writing about my experiences as a young mom. If people read it, kewl. If not, it will be forever out there in internet-land as a more permanant journal - much preferred to a written one, which might be thrown out or pooped on or something.

Not pooped on by me, of course... but I digress.

So I'll write for true soon. Who's excited...