perfect? ah, no...

i would like to clarify my use of "just perfect" at the end of my last post. our game of preschool chutes and ladders while drinking wine was perfect.

my marriage? um, not so much.

nor is any marriage, let's not kid ourselves. as much as i wanted to believe that my parents' relationship was perfect and the thing to strive for, as i got older that pristine image quickly deteriorated. when i entered high school and truly pushed away from my parents', well, everything (beliefs, expectations, priorities, etc.), i came to see them more as flawed human beings rather than perfected symbols of what i should be.

i realized the severe passive-aggression of my mother (which i see in myself far too often) and the true progression of their decision-making (MOM wears the pants and dad assumes her position and projects it to the family, which makes HIM look like the bad guy or the hard-ass when all along he's simply supporting my mother's positions). i witnessed my mother crying hysterically on the phone as my brother told her he would be getting married in the baptist church, not catholic. i heard distinctly her unequivocal response: "well, i'm sorry, we just can't go". i read the long and detailed letter written by my FATHER to justify "their" dramatic decision - chock full of scripture passages.

ever since then i've seen them as humans, and have been horrified with myself when i occasionally slip into their m.o.

in a way i feel terrible for rejecting so strongly their deep principles and essentially the way they function as a couple. however, now that i am married i see that there are things you must do and habits you must fall into to make your marriage function. with john and i, our alone time away from each other is one way we maintain equilibrium.

as we continue to grow, both as individuals and a married team, i notice more and more adaptations. we're having a bit of drama with the kid's 3rd b-day party (another post for another day...) and i'm finding myself standing up for the way WE will now do things. because WE are now a family in and of ourselves. it is no longer about how our parents raised us, but how we will raise our daughter in our OWN way.

is my marriage perfect? HELL-to-the-NO, as whitney so eloquently puts it. john and i just had an argument last weekend about the fact that he wants to buy a huge suv/truck when his jeep dies. i say it's silly - he is not a construction worker or a mover or a lumberjack, so why does he need a massive truck? he said it won't matter what i say, he's a grown man and he'll do what he wants (half joking/half completely serious), which promptly pissed me the hell off. what a douche! so, i went to tj maxx for some retail therapy, which helped. then, as we were going to sleep he slapped that ridiculously adorable smirk on his face and said he was sorry and snuggled into me like a cat.

granted, my anger disappeared after i bought a few shirts ($5 for an adorable silk shirt that i just had to sew one hole on! $5, y'all!!), but that form of an apology made it all better. another thing i'm growing to realize is that john needs manly moments every once-in-a-while. he needs to kill some spiders, chase away squirrels, build stuff and assert his innate male dominance.

at the end of the day, though, he snuggles into me like a cat and i know that he just wants to take care of me.

don't tell him i told you, though. kitties and caring are SO not manly...

when babies have babies...

it's truly incredible that john and i can turn literally anything into a heated competition. allow me to elaborate...

lil received the lovely game of "chutes and ladders - preschool edition" for xmas. after dinner last night we decided to have a family game night and whipped out the new game.

the first time i landed on a ladder, i heard a faint "damn" muttered under john's breath. i decided to ignore this.

however, the first chute i came across bumped me far down on the board. my wonderful husband stuck his finger in my face, laughed and said, "ohhhhh snap!" (ps - we're the whitest people you'll ever meet...). i responded with a decided, "oh, it's on!"

what followed now ashames me as a grown woman and mother. our poor child watched powerless as her parents were sucked into a competition like no other, battling toward victory. we passed the spinner heatedly back and forth (i think we may have skipped lil's turn a few times...) and had one or two intense arguments about whether one of us cheated on the number of spaces moved. our almost-three-year-old child's head snapped between her parents throughout the smack-talk - at one point, she actually yelled, "hey! stop yelling! we just play the game!", and rolled her eyes.

i emerged victorious, if there was ever any doubt. i remain the "chutes and ladders - preschool edition" champion of our household.

john gave up after one game (sucker...) - lil and i played another (i totally let her win...). we then had some hot chocolate, and after a wild sugar rush (she did one of those manic run-in-a-circle while speaking in tongues) we brushed teeth, read a book, said our prayers, sang a song and went to sleep.

it's kind of refreshing that john and i haven't slipped into the trap of centering our interactions around the kid, as is seen so often. we take time for each other with something as simple as cuddling and watching the news before bed or splitting a bottle of wine over dinner, toasting to something with each glass. we also take time for ourselves as individuals - he loves doing his woodworking or hanging out in his "man cave" in the basement, and one or two days a week i stay up after he's goes to sleep to iron and watch my garbage reality shows.

it's a delicate balance that's not always easy, but it makes our relationship work. after putting lil to bed i spent the night doing laundry and watching tv in the bedroom while john watched the giants game and lounged in the living room. there was no particular reason for the separation, simply the fact that we know we don't have to spend every waking moment together. it's enough for us to drink some wine with dinner, sincerely compete with each other while playing a preschool board game with our daughter, and end the night cuddling while falling asleep.

just perfect.

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...

as i sit here at my corporate desk job, bored out of my mind, i remember that a long long time ago i had a blog. granted, i rarely updated it, but it was fun to write.

so here i am. it's dec. 28th and there is NOTHING going on in my office. everyone's on vacation and i am bored. woe is me.

to update y'all, i no longer a slave of tar-gay. i am now a slave of Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage Long Island & Queens, indirectly a slave of Realogy Corp., and even more indirectly a slave of NRT LLC. we sell real estate - i am CBRB's trusty PR bitch. i schmooze the press, write releases and help with advertising, among many other things.

i started in july and it's been weird to work mon-fri 9-5. i was so used to crazy days and hours that my first weekend off i didn't know what to do with myself.

the babe's been going to "school" (read: day care) four days a week, which was at first difficult for me to swallow. she'll be 3 in a month from today (ACK!), but i can't help feeling like i'm neglecting her in a way. i read over my old posts and i absolutely still feel the sting of being a working mom. my mother was home to put us on the bus in the morning and home to take us off every afternoon. the world is different now, i realize that, but it hurts.

she's so happy at school, though. she's little miss social (and apparantly a BIG flirt with the boys...) and everyone loves her. she has a HUGE personality, is incredibly smart, has a great sense of humor and is truly becoming her own person.

perhaps that's what hurts... while she's nowhere near the point of no return, the ball is rolling - rolling away from me, that is. we open the door to her classroom and she's off and running. she always gives me a kiss goodbye (occassionally i have to chase after her to get one), but as soon as i close that door, her day has begun. her school day. for a large majority of her day-to-day life, i'm not there to influence her.

i guess that's a good thing. she's not insulated, she's exposed to kids of all ages and colors and personalities. she's also learning how to interact with adults and teenagers (teachers and aides). i went to see her holiday show and she saw me in the crowd, waved a few times, but ultimately did her thing. after her class finished, they sat to the side to watch the rest of the show. other kids in her class ran over to their parents, but she was content to sit next to her teacher and bop along to the music, occassionally glancing over to make sure i was still there.

this is my role now as a mom: to stand strong by her. it's just like when she learned to walk - i gently guided her, my finger grasped tightly in her little fist. i know she'll look to me along the way for reassurance and sometimes lean on me for support, but eventually she'll let go and walk on her own.

we have a ways to go before she assumes such independence, so for now i'll enjoy reading to her in silly voices, teaching her new words and watching her explore the world with the joy only a child can possess.

finally....

alright, alright.... after much harassment i'll now share the proposal story.

oh yeah - JOHN AND I ARE ENGAGED!!!! finally, right?

anyhoo, john suggested that we meet in the city for dinner to celebrate my promotion and the house. i thought this was a bit suspicious b/c we've been saving money like whoa (does anyone still say that?)(it stays), but let's be honest here. i've been expecting a proposal for months anytime we've gone anywhere; mets games, st. john's games, just driving around, etc. john tells me to meet him at 5th and 33rd and we'd walk to the restaurant together, to which i suggested he just tell me where the restaurant was so i could meet him there; my train was coming in an hour before he got out of work. he was insistent that we meet at 5th and 33rd, so i finally acquiesced. being the jerk that i am, i asked, "well where's the restaurant?" he said he couldn't remember. "well, what's it called?" he said he couldn't remember. by the time i asked what kind of food it served he was supremely annoyed and just said, "it's italian. don't worry about it."

after walking around h&m for an hour (where i swear they were following me - my purse was bulging b/c i had brought my scarf and gloves and hat even though it was warm as hell that day)(stupid much?), i walked over to 5th and 33rd, where john was patiently waiting. he gave me a kiss, grabbed my hand, and turned the corner onto fifth, then quickly entered the building on whose corner we had just met. i was confused, especially when i realized it was the empire state building. for a split second i was like, "maybe the restaurant's in here?" but as soon as he guided me toward the observation deck entrance i knew what was up.

again, i'm a jerk, so i asked, "are we going up? why?" he said, "i've never been up there, i thought it would be a nice surprise," with that smirk on his face we all know and love (he is the WORST liar...). as we neared the escalator one of the latina workers (seriously, they were all hispanic with nasty attitudes) said something about tickets and john pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket - he had PRE-BOUGHT the tickets to the top and printed them out. when i saw this i said, still a jerk, "wait, you BOUGHT tickets already?" he smirked, sighed, and shook his head, while i removed my coat b/c i was sweating my ass off from anticipation.

after a convoluted trip up to the top, during which EACH AND EVERY ONE of the slick-haired, long-nailed empire state building employees warned us that there was "zero visibility, just so you know, you can't see anything from the top, nothing," we finally walked out onto the observation deck. it was pretty empty, save a few foreign tourist who didn't speak english and obviously bought the tickets far in advance, and man they were not kidding about the visibility. as we walked down the ramp to the deck, a cloud literally passed by my feet. sooooo cool.

oh yeah, i forgot that after we passed through security john said, "better get the camera ready," to which i asked, "what? you brought your camera? why?" {sigh}. let the boy have his surprise, jerk.

so we walked around attempting to take pictures of the bustling city below, and at first it wasn't so bad. it was pretty amazing, actually, looking down on the millions of lights and the thousands of cars, faintly hearing horns beeping, but generally in silence. it was so calm up there and we felt so alone, which john was thankful for.

after we walked almost completely around, john shut off his camera and put it in his pocket. with that smirk on his face he said, "now for the real reason we came here," and pulled the box from the inside pocket of his jacket. i was choked up and put my hand over my mouth - i felt so awkward, i didn't know what i should do at that moment. i mean, i had imagined it so many times, but when it actually happens you feel so out of it and nervous. the altitude and lack of oxygen to my brain probably played a role, as well.

anyway, he casually leans on the cement wall overlooking the city, now mostly covered in soft gray clouds, and says, "no speeches, that's not my style" (NOW who's the jerk...). still standing, he opens the box, looks right into my eyes and says, "regina linge, will you marry me?"

wait for it... wait for it......

i say....

"wait a second, aren't you going to get down on one knee?"

john: "are you serious??"

me: "uhhhh yeah."

john, sighing, quickly looks around then drops to one knee and says, "let's try this again. regina linge, will you marry me?"

then of course i squealed and grabbed him and said something along the lines of "yes, yes, yes, of course!" and cried and hugged him and kissed him. he reminded me about the ring, which i had barely noticed (to his relief)(yeah, he knows me well, huh). it's a little big, but that's my fault - i gave his sisters the wrong size (that's another story for another day).

so we descended back into reality, now engaged. we called each other "fiance", like they did on seinfeld, for a few days, which was fun. oh, and when we got back down to the street john says, "sooooo where do you wanna eat?" {sigh}. heartland brewery was right next door, so we settled down for some beers and greasy bar food. he said that his sisters would be horrified that he didn't take me somewhere "nice," but i think that night prefaced what will be a drastically different wedding from theirs'. i mean, their weddings were beautiful, but wayyyy more expensive and formal than ours will be, believe me.

so that's my story, finally. i'll be posting pictures of dresses, don't you worry, and updating y'all with wedding info. just a warning: we are severely low on funds, what with a house, student loans, and the babe, so we can't invite everyone and their mother. if you don't get invited please know that we love you but are sadly very VERY poor. just a disclaimer.

anyhoo, time for bed. tar-gay tomorrow morning. boo.

i'd rather be sailing...

i lie. i wouldn't rather be sailing. it's raining and cold. however, i quote the amazing song from "a new brain" because it has recently been added to my "songs sung to lily" rotation. she has become quite selective, actually - i usually have to begin two or three before she stops saying, "no. sing," as in, "no. sing something else, biotch." she's a mean baby.

in other news, i was recently promoted at target to head monkey. oops, i mean team lead of girls. sometimes i slip with my job title because monkeys could do my job. have i mentioned i have stellar self-respect? but seriously, kids. i'm, like, top retard (and i use "retard" in the most politically incorrect sense)(no, i will not apologize)/babysitter of all the hormonal 16-year-olds who "work" in softlines. {sigh}. i am excited for a raise and the power to write people up, though. if i can't be a super bitch at any given job, that job ain't for me.

which reminds me of a little anecdote. last fri. night i was acting team lead, as per uje, and one of the minors was chatting with three little skanks from his school. the executive pointed it out to me and said, "i'll let you take this one. you seem like you'd enjoy it." i walked over to them and stood there without saying anything while they slowly realized i was there. when they finally stopped talking i said, "so, are you guys interested in working at target?" one typically long island girl (you know the one, dark brown hair with bleached-blonde chunky highlights, airbrushed nails, serious ponch protruding from her too-tight sweater, chomping gum with a look on her face that's asking to be slapped off.... you know what i mean...) said, "ummm, no, i, like, have a job - my boss actually just gave me a promotion and a raise."

to this i responded, "wow, i'm really excited for you. in that case, miles, who does work here, needs to get back to work. you can come find him in 15 minutes when he's off the clock." then, in true bitch style, i proceeded to stand there silently, arms crossed, until they awkwardly walked away, saying, "umm let's go get eyeliner and... ummm mascara...," like they thought i'd just walk away, leaving them to chat. stupid girls. good luck with your completely unfulfilling life after you marry some dude who owns a landscaping company and goes tanning and cheats on you while you get your nails done and pick the kids up from school in a hummer.

i love it. and i hate girls. and women, too, now that i think about it.

anyhoo, speaking of hummers (the cars)(dirty minds...), don't you love that pres. bush actually said last week that one of the major reasons we're staying in iraq is to secure its oil for our own use? what? honesty??? yeesh. i thought it was weird to see satan buying a winter coat the other day, then returning to the now-chilly bowels of hell.

and yes, satan shops at target. who doesn't?

ok..... it's late and obviously i'm on something, so i'll leave you with a hint of what is to come, halloween-picture wise...




oh, and ps, we're just a few days away from being officially "under contract." can you sense john and i peeing our pants? excellent.

car car C-A-R

my new car has thusly been dubbed "Chevy Chase."

oh, and it's a '99 toyota corolla.

so please do not be confused when i say, "i need to run out and get something from the chevy." i do not own a chevrolet, i own chevy chase. the car.


halloween pics to come soon.....

power of two

i've concluded that i suck at creating titles for my sporatic posts, so from now on queen regina doth decree they wilt be song titles or random quotes. the end.

so today we saw five houses, mostly in the medford area, and we absolutely loved one of them. it's WAY overpriced (it was a flip that was given up on - everything is done half-assed and it needs a ton of cosmetic work, which we can definitely do), but that doesn't mean we can't make an offer much lower, which we of course would. first, of course, we have to get pre-qualified, or even better pre-approved, for a mortgage, something that is necessary and absolutely frightening.

i mean, it's one thing to go look at houses; the fun of attending open houses with no intention to buy is that you know that you probably can't afford the place, but the agents showing it have no idea. it's sick fun to make them do their whole routine without the knowledge that there's no chance in hell you'd ever make an offer.

i am a mean, mean person.

anyway, the whole mortgage thing is scary because it's real life. it's signing a paper so that a bank will give you $300,000. PS, you need to pay it back over the next THIRTY years. THIRTY YEARS??? dude, i'm unsure about tomorrow and you want me to make a flipping thirty-year commitment? heavy....

j-boy is having a worse time with it; he'd kill me for saying this, but he's scared out of his mind. i'm not really scared, because i know we'll always be fine, no matter what, but even the concept of owning property weighs on my mind. when we first started with the open houses, i was super excited, over excited really, and always walked into each house with the mindset, "I want it! Now let me actually look at it for a reason why."

now, though, i'm all business. i suffered through countless scoldings with j explaining, "now, we're not going to buy this next house either, so i don't want you getting excited. we'll never buy it. ever. do not show any enthusiasm or i will yell at you again. do not smile. do not make any reassuring gestures that may be construed as 'excitement.' i want you to dread looking at this house, that's how unexcited you should be."

perhaps that was a bit exaggerated.... but you get my drift.

this whole process is still not real, although finding that diamond in the rough today was a step toward reality. we both agreed it had amazing potential that we would be able to produce and further discussed the next step, which is talking to brokers and determining our limit.

ummmmmm when did i grow up? i think i missed that announcement. oh wait, was it when i pushed a 6.5 lb. bundle of love through my va-jay-jay and now my life revolves around this little person and her every whim? ah yes. now i remember.

the babe is soooooooooo cute, i can't even tell you. from the extensive phone calls with herself to the amazing booty-shaking, she is one of the funniest people i have ever met. i mean, she calls me by my first name because she knows it bothers me. brat. she'll spend five or ten minutes just running around and around the hall, chased by NOONE, hysterically laughing the whole time - i can't wait until we have a yard for her to run around with her cousins and maybe some future siblings....

well, judging from that last comment the crack is apparantly kicking in. it's been real, peeps. one of these days j will finally send me some pics to share - tune in!

update: i lie like a rug. here are a few:


what a sourpuss.



she's not smiling in any of these pictures...



inner monologue: "oh no he is NOT sitting next to me. if he grabs a block i'll freaking lay him out."



oo-la-la bebe with some blocks, including a bear head that also functions as a block. yes, it scares me, too.



uh oh...



awwww hooray for sharing!