i.am.going.insane.

have i mentioned i hate weaning? oh, and teething? well if i haven't, let me say it now:

I HATE WEANING AND TEETHING!!!!!!!!!!!

apart from the fact that my nipples are essentially falling off, lily isn't taking to the whole weaning business. i never realized how often she breastfed at night, mostly because we sleep together and neither of us wake up at night when she eats. now that we're switching to a bottle, however, i've realized that she eats every hour. wait, let me rephrase that. last night, she woke up EVERY HOUR screaming because she just wanted to have a little suck and go back to sleep. oy. i feel like i'm right back at the beginning when we first brought her home. very frustrating.

but there were a few times last night (as there are every night) when i watch her fall asleep or go and wake her up that i realize how great she is and how happy i am.

i hope i'm a good mom. i get choked up writing that because it's so incredibly important to me. there are moments when i doubt myself; those hours in the middle of the night when i'm all alone with the baby and she's crying her eyes out and there's nothing i can do about it. i think, "can i do this? should i be doing this? who's the crackhead who allowed me to have a child?"

but then there are the moments when i wow myself. i'm proud that i can pinpoint the exact moment when her fake cry becomes real. i love that when she's particularly pissed at me she yells, "DITH!" (i think it may mean bitch and she just doesn't realize it yet). i give myself a pat on the back when i finish my assignments days before they're due.

i fear weaning. i fear having the baby learn to sleep in the crib by herself. i fear being expendable.

oh my god, i think i just understood the whole "parenthood" thing.

for the past 8 months, i've been her survival. i'm food, i'm warmth, i'm comfort. but not anymore. i've been replaced by powdered milk and plastic nipples and blankets and a mobile.

i know i'm being horribly overdramatic, but i feel like i've lost an arm or something. she's learning how to crawl and can pull herself to her feet in the crib. other people can change diapers and give her baths and make her laugh. i have this unspoken fear that as soon as she's completely weaned, someone is going to pop up and take her away. you know, like, "well now she doesn't need you anymore. thanks for the boob, lady - your work here is through. move along."

and then there's another part of me that's thinking about the future. all of a sudden raising a child is tangible. i'm thinking about putting her on a school bus and making lunches and teaching her about sex (i don't know why that always pops into my mind - i'm a cautionary tale, i suppose). all that scares me almost as much as someone taking her away. okay, that's not true at all - i think i'd die if i didn't have her.

alrighty - time for night #2 of our "week of weaning extravaganza!" shoot me now.

(don't really shoot me now. in 10 years i'll be saying, "i wish she was still at that age!" shoot me then.)

oh momma knows...

... i always used to say that but now it has such deeper meaning. anyhoo!

we had a rough night last night, me and the kid. i'm pretty sure she's getting another tooth and all she wants to do is chew on my boob. i am SO, well, torn up - there's no other way to put it. when we first went to bed at about 12:30 they didn't really hurt. cut to 4:30am, lily wakes up wanting to eat/chew on something. she latches on - OH MY GOD. it felt like someone was literally slicing my nipple off with a jagged knife. i tried the other side - just as bad! she proceeded to cry for about an hour. i knew she wasn't hungry, just in pain and frustrated, as was i. i gave her some baby oragel which eventually calmed her down (thank jesus). we fell asleep again until i woke up at about 9 after having the WORST dream EVER.

ok so i dreamt that john and i were giving lily up for adoption - but instead of just getting rid of her, we were switching her for this other lady's baby who was 4 months younger than lil. someone was going to take care of this strange baby for 4 months (like she was on lay-away??) until she was lily's age now, at which time john and i would then take her as our own. in the dream, we signed the papers and had 24 hours to sit and wait in case we changed our mind. so i'm sitting there watching lily roll around and smile - and i started to get upset. i pull john into the bathroom (?) and question what we had just done. he agreed that it was a bad idea - not the giving lily up, but taking this other baby! i remember exactly what he said - i said, "i think we just made a big mistake" and he said, "yeah, we totally flatlined it" (whatever the hell that means). he went on to say, "if we want to get rid of her, why the hell would we take another one?" AHHHH!! it was horrible! i woke up suddenly, waking the baby as well. she started crying again - and so did i! i was crying HYSTERICALLY - rocking her back and forth saying, "i'm so sorry - you know i want you." she was freaked out and in pain and hungry. what a nightmare. literally.

so i got up and made her a bottle, which she refused to eat for the next hour or so. we drifted in and out of sleep until john called at 11:30. i started crying again with him, which he always loves, and then just decided to get up.

okay.... crying baby.... i'll continue later....

Intro...

Yo, all.

So I was in bed last night, falling asleep with the baby in my arms, and I thought, "I should create a blog called 'Baby Momma Memoirs.' " So here we are.

Actually, there was more thought put into the idea than described; that was just the abridged version. Essentially, I'll be writing about my experiences as a young mom. If people read it, kewl. If not, it will be forever out there in internet-land as a more permanant journal - much preferred to a written one, which might be thrown out or pooped on or something.

Not pooped on by me, of course... but I digress.

So I'll write for true soon. Who's excited...